Saturday, October 31, 2009

Reality or not?

It takes a great deal of knowledge to craft a reality or talent show. A great deal of time goes into creating the correct program, the duration of the events and the precise choreography of the words used by the audience and the eventers. Indeed, nothing is left to chance, even the audience is selected with great care: any person with the large sum of cash needed to procure a seat in the arena is accepted.

It's little wonder that this height of modern engineering has attracted the attention of eminent scientists who have dissected these programulations in order to understand better their purpose.

Their deliberations have unearthed some surprising results: participation (active or passive) in a reality or talent show appears to not activate one cerebral neuron. Not one.
Scientists performed a number of studies in which they replaced living audience members (the passive component) by (a) recently deceased people, (b) insects, (c) vegetables. In all cases no difference in the passive component was detected (the brain patterns were exactly the same for all audience members).

They then replaced the active component (the contestants) by (a) frozen peas, (b) a box of dust, (c) drawing pins. Again, in all cases no difference was detected - although a slight (possibly statistically significant) response to the box of dust was observed, but it's unclear if the response was from the dust itself or the audience (researchers are still studying a much higher statistics sample of dust taking part in a 2 year marathon X factor talent show).

An important result of these recent findings is that frozen peas have now been granted sentient being status which has spurred further research into the social behaviour of frozen peas.

Friday, October 23, 2009

space collapse

If you have wondered what on earth is happening in London I can enlighten you.
You may have noticed that a large number of trenches have reappeared in strategic places. These places are strategic because of the large density of people appearing in those places.

The number of strategic places in London is rather large and can indeed be seen from outer space - as far outer as Jupiter (on a sunny day when the fog has burnt off and there are no smaller planets crashing into it). It is interesting that the trenches resemble an upside down smiley from Jupiter which explains why, when you observe Jupiter, you can see the appearance of smileys and other graffiti on the surface - Saturn has joined in and Neptune appears to be advertising that "Saturn sucks big time" (there is research to understand exactly why).

The reason for the appearance of these trenches is purely down to the density of the people between the hours of 7am-9am being so great that they form a black hole. The trenches are an attempt by the London Councils and Transport for London to introduce distortion effects to minimise the density of the black hole by encouraging people to fall into the hole to reduce the critical mass.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

LHC for dummees

I'm a bit of a scientisticcolo and will give a two sentence description of the LHC big guy machine in the International Institute for collisions in Geneva, near France, Europe.

The LHC aims to collide a bunch of left hand and right hand particles together at high speed. What are these particles?

Well, if you take your left shoe (which should be about size 6 red and green patent leather with a rubber sole) then all these particles from the left hand side are equivalent to your left hand shoe.

Now what about these right hand particles?? Well, they are your right shoe (which should be about size 8 exactly orange and blue with yellow all leather upper and downer) that's what these right handed particles are: your right clown shoe.

So, in a nutshell, we're colliding your left hand size 6 clown shoe with your right hand size 8 clown shoe. The result should be equivalent to the birth of the universe or a shoe shop and should explain why there are only left-hand shoes on sale in most shoe shops.