Thursday, January 29, 2009

Mobile Language

Have you ever been abroad?

Me too. But, usually I find that my language doesn't travel well and I cannot understand anything that anybody is saying.

Well scientists have now discovered the reason as to why your language does not travel well when you go abroad.

Years ago, large numbers of them, when there were as many people as live in Iron Age Road, well perhaps not that may, as many as lived in Paleolithic Gardens there were a small number of tribes that moved from Africa all over the place (not too sure why, many conjecture to look for options and hedges).

Each tribe had a big guy in charge who had the sense not to allow them to eat each other, but to eat other things and try not to die too quickly by eating the wrong things (which is another article that scientists have worked on). The big guy was admired by all as is amply shown by the amount of rubbish the followers poured on top of the grave of deceased big guys.

For all their intelligence each big guy had a speech impediment (either from a deformity or from allergies). Since the big guy was a sensitive soul he tended to massacre those that made fun of his ailment. Very quickly, the rest of the tribe figured out it wasn't too wise to poke fun at the leader. So, since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, they started to speak like him. They too artificially developed a speech impediment and in turn became sensitive to their failing.

Gradually, over time as the tribes prospered countries were formed with people with similar speech impediments.

Scientists have discerned clearly that French originated from a tribal leader with a bunged-up nose and a bit of a lisp. Dutch and Welsh originated from a leader with persistent catarrh. English and German developed from a leader with a pretty nasty sore throat. Italian developed from a leader of a tribe heavily into Karaoke.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Fastest Train in the World

Today I sat on what I believe was the fastest train in the world. Ever.

I got to the station the customary 4 hours before the train was meant to depart. I know most train companies in the UK request their passengers to get to the station at least 6 hours before their train departs in order to get into the swing of things. But, I was in a rush.

For new-comers, UK trains travel with such energy that they operate beyond the Planck-scale which means quantum fluctuations come into effect. Which means, that you need to wait for the departures board to settle (after 30 minutes) and then take the average of all the platforms indicated for your train and go to the average platform number. This is important. I have lost count of the number of people that have complained to the platform staff that the train has not left from the indicated platform. It's clearly stated in the Train manual people, get with the program!

Anyway, I got onto my train on the average platform. The train was much shorter than usual. In fact, there was 1 carriage. I sat on the train and went to sleep, as I usually do. After one hour I woke up and the train was back in the platform that I had departed from!
Since I was going to Glasgow this meant that the train had traveled at more than 1000Km/hr! in order to get me from London to Glasgow and back again! It is clear that I had been to Glasgow since I was sitting on a copy of the Glasgow Herald.

Clearly this train was experimental as there was only one carriage. It was such a smooth journey. The next time I had better sleep for less time as I don't want to miss getting off at Glasgow again.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Nano Tube

We have another laaarrrge program going on that's not getting any attention ANYWHERE. It's our deployment of little blue plastic tubes under the roads. The company responsible for digging up the roads with minimal coordination and maximal disruption, which necessarily is needed to enable the whole system to be placed in equilibrium and harmony, is called Thames  Water. Which, if you follow the links provided, is actually a revolutionary (in a circular manner) enterprise innovating the use of smaller underground trains!

The first phase is to deploy the tunnels underneath the roads in a harmonic manner. Then the next phase is to install small trains in these small blue tunnels underneath the road. But, how can we fit into the trains in these small blue tubes? Well if you follow the links you will find that the really revolutionary idea from Thames Water is to change change the diet of everyone such that they shrink and can fit into the small trains! Genius! It will sort out the overcrowded trains and also allow the whole system to extend indefinitely.

Ok, at the moment there are a few teething problems: we have an obesity epidemic at the moment, but all that takes is a slight alteration of the formulae and then we will all become nano commuters able to fit into these nano tubes.

We will also reduce our Carbon smudge on the environment.

Monday, January 26, 2009


I have forgotten one of the most basic supermarket theorems:

This week Marmite is on Aisle 3, but next week Marmite will be on Aisle number
maxAisle - (exp(Aisle)-log(staff))/log(week). Other foodstuffs are moved as a attenuated function of the marmite function weighted by the weeks takings (after tax and benefits).

It's worth remembering. Each week I go to the supermarket and each week everything is somewhere else. Sometimes, staple foodstuffs are discontinued in favour of more exotic foods. For example:

Excuse me, where's the bread and milk this week?

They're discontinued this week. We are pushing nightingale's tongue puree and Kangaroo offal bread. Both are superfoods high in important profits for us.

It is worth stocking up on items you desire to hedge against they're becoming extinct at your supermarket. Then you can, as I have seen others often do, setup a little table outside the supermarket and allow fellow shoppers to buy the extinct items from you at index-linked prices.

Or, as a majority of people do, bring your refridgerator and stand outside the supermarket with the door open all day allowing people to buy fresh, frozen items from your refridgerator.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Where do the tubes go?

It has come to my attention that a good chunk of the London Underground network does not exist on the weekends. This has been happening for the past 10 years at least. I am slow to recognise things.

So, the question is where do they go? On these weekends when the London Underground is not in London where does it go?

I have done some research and it appears that the London Underground is distributed over Europe. It appears that the Northern Line is deployed to Oslo where more trains run on the weekend and new stations appear. This could explain the abundance of Norwegians at Leicester Square and London Bridge. The Piccadilly Line appears to spend the weekends in Paris which explains the large number of French Players playing for Arsenal and the Circle Line seems to have occurred in Rome because the Italians like to visit many interesting places again and again. The District Line appears in Berlin for obvious reasons. The Central Line in Zurich for obvious reasons too. Other lines appear to oscillate between different countries.

This could explain why the London Underground invariably does not work well on Monday morning as it takes quite a long time to move the underground back again. It could also explain why it costs rather a lot. It's not easy making a mobile undergound system.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Market Style

A puzzle for you. Why do supermarkets EVERYWHERE put the fruit and vegetables (ie soft foodstuffs) as you walk in and the tin cans and bottles of water at the furthest end of the supermarket?

When you come to buy your food you first load up with fruit and vegetables and then put more heavier stuff (like side of cow, 6 2x4 planks of wood, wardrobe) after you have put in the fruit and vegetables.

And, by the time you get to the checkout counter you are trailing a puree of your selection of fruit and vegetables.

This is clearly a clever ploy by the supermarkets to make sure that you go around and buy even more fruit and vegetables to replace the ones you have just pureed.

And, you have to first checkout because the supermarket one-way system will not allow you to go back and replace your puree. You have to first checkout. Which in itself is an interesting process. The checkout person is usually autistic and doesn't like any form of social interaction. Then you stand at the end of the conveyor belt with bags ready to catch the items as they are slung as rapidly as possible down the conveyor belt. Hopefully, you will be able to stuff everything into your bags as they arrive otherwise you risk the wrath of the autistic checkout person who will glare at you as you incompetently pack your food as quickly as possible.

I must get my supermarket to repeal the one way system and the overtaking on both sides (which is extremely dangerous).

Market Value

I, like you, shop for my food. I go to these biiig supermarkets where you can buy all the food that you want and more, much more! They sell everything knives, bandages, TVs.

I think, but am not certain, that you can buy shopping trolleys. Well, you put a pound or Euro into this little lock thing which, I believe, means you've brought the trolly. And, if you don't like it you can put it back where you got it from and get your pound or euro back. Heck you can even buy the checkout machine! I saw one at the Tate recently.

I believe that their ethos is that anything in the store is for sale. So, it should be possible to go in and buy one of those machines that they use to cut cured meat and take it home and use it to cut thin slices of wood for making veneers.

Anyway, these supermarkets are biiig business. They are constantly going out on our behalf to make sure that we are getting the best possible deals ever. They do these complex calculations and predictions and compare with other supermarkets. They are justly proud of their work and the fact that they are giving us value for money. I for one am very proud of my local supermarket.

But, I am puzzled. They do all these complex calculations. But, everytime I go into my local supermarket I don't see any charts or documentation on the studies. I have not seen any lectures on the studies. But, maybe I'm not looking hard enough or maybe they are only on Thursdays when it's late night shopping. Maybe they have lectures or talks on the analysis at your local supermarket.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

public phones

Have you heard of these small tiny little phones?
They are small enough to fit into the palm of your hand.
They can fit inside your pocket, or handbag.
They are innocuous and discrete.

Except when you use them. Then they turn you into the most obvious person in your surroundings. Especially when you talk with a loud voice and exclaim and ask questions ensuring that all around you hear only half of the conversation.

Well, here's a suggestion. Try the following dialogue. It will not fail to impress your surrounders and elevate your status with all those in ear-shot:


What's the status?

That much down?

Ok. Don't worry. Here's what we do. Buy half an M of Jelly Beans and three quarters of an M of Jelly Babies. Sharpish!

Put 100 of each in you mouth and chomp like crazy. Are the numbers on the ticker going up?

Ok. Now select out all the green ones and throw them away. They're only for a bull market.

Chomp another 100 mixed.

Are the numbers going up now?

Ok. Excellent! Sell on 80.

No problem. Citibank don't need to thank me just doing my job.

You'll instill confidence in the market and single-handedly inspire others to go out and buy like crazy. Happy days will be here again!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

You've got to laugh

Markus did not believe in anything. He did not believe in God, in evolution or even in himself.

Markus was a trader in Explosive a company based in the City of London the financial centre of the known world (apart, of course from all those other financial centres outside of the City of London).

Markus was a very good trader he had managed to convince people he could make them money at short notice and had indeed done so. At the same time he had managed to ruin a respectable number of businesses in the process by dumping shares in their company and buying them back at a lower rate.

Markus was now having a little bit of a problem. He had brought an enormous number of shares in Explosive, in fact he had brought all the shares, apart from those that he held, and had short sold them making a handsome profit for himself and his backers. Unfortunately, he had managed to lower the price of shares to the point where the entire company was just about worth the price of a large plaice and chips from Hans Fish Bar.

Nobody at Explosive liked to be compared to plaice and chips and potential investors were also not keen on plaice and chips (or rather would wish to actually get plaice and chips for the price of plaice and chips) and future sources of revenue began to dry up making the company even less attractive as NOBODY, but NOBODY wants to invest in dried up plaice and chips.

In order to hide his mistake Markus used his profits to buy shares in the Office of Fair Trading a company that speculated on whether companies were behaving themselves or not. An excellent company where you could buy options on whether your company was behaving itself or not. Markus managed to buy enough shares to then dump them via his amazing short-selling technique and make an even more incredible profit which he used to buy more shares in Explosive at a more inflated price making it more attractive than plaice and chips.

Unfortunately, the Office of Fair Trading became worth less than a regular portion of chips and a pickled egg. Lucretius a high-flying trader at the Office of Fair Trading did not like chips and pickled eggs and decided to do something about it. Namely, by buying shares in another large company and short-selling to gain enough profits to buy shares in the Office of Fair Trading at inflated prices.

It was due to the selfless efforts of Markus and Lucretius and others and their dislike of certain combinations of fish and chips that the great depression of 2000s happened. It was only during 2011 due to the superhuman efforts of a handful of fish bars and their incredible batter that confidence in all combinations of fish and chips was restored and the economy picked up and the wheels of high finance began to grind smoothly as before.