Monday, March 22, 2010

Famous 140 character quotes

In our modern age the internet has provided great wonders. It has provided us with the Steam Engine, the Saturnian rocket, grass growing in neat straight lines and, of course the written word. On this anniversary of the internet invention of the word we have trawled the internet to look for the most famous short quotes that can fit into our attention (so here's 5):

"This case is a real hum-dinger. The accused certainly looks guilty otherwise they wouldn't be here."
(from Judge Hangem)

"Sending a short message at 120mph in a builtup area sure takes concentration."
(Detective Inspector Lockemup)

"Heavy night. Very hung-over. Really hope this operation goes well. Hands shaking a little"
(Dr. Surgicallyremove)

"It's Friday, must sell all shares in companies beginning with D."
(G. Hedgefunder)

"I'm late where's my book of lies. Anybody know what page we're on?"
(S. Politico)

Interestingly, researchers have observed a periodic error from the short message device system. The source has been tracked down to coming from 17345.26987.1431786.u which maps uniquely to a Mr

who has been trying to contact Earth to point out that we are not alone and the kindly, benevolent peoples of Saturn are eager to make contact via the short messaging system. Sadly, Mr Z has signed the message so Earthlings know where the message came from thus pushing the message above the strict 140 character limit causing irritation to the short messaging system. An opportunity missed.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

So, where has all this obesity come from then?

Have you noticed in the press that there appears to be an epidemic of obesity. People are getting larger. There's no getting away from it. But, where is all this obesity coming from? You could be mistaken for thinking that all this obese stuff is coming from the planet and the planet is getting smaller. Far from it! In fact the planet is also getting obese. I have studied this and can prove that the cost of traveling on the public transport from my home to where I work takes (a) longer, and is (b) more expensive. Since, by natural law, the price of travel can never go up and, also by natural law, the time taken to get from my house to work is a constant the only inescapable conclusion is that the distance from home to work has increased which logically means that the planet is increasing. And it's increasing, by my calculations by roughly 10% per year!

So, if all this obesity stuff isn't coming from the Earth then where is it coming from??

According to my calculations it's coming from the Universe. The Earth apparently has a great appetite for something called Dark Matter which it is consuming at rough 10% per year - which also explains why it's difficult to find this Dark Matter out there. Clearly, at some point the Earth will run out of Dark Matter and either (a) slim down, or (b) create an appetite for something else.