Thursday, March 26, 2009

Consumerism: how to get out of the current crisis

In a consumer society there is a real danger that once everyone has brought everything they need the eekonomy will freeze and fail.

This is the problem we have at the moment. Everyone has brought everything and there is nothing left to buy.

The only way out of this current consumer crunch is to institute legislation to do the following:

a) Create 2 new teen music-bands with stupid names and songs and generate hysteria about them encouraging an upturn in the number of CDs sold.

b) Institute legislation to change the style of women's clothes every month such that no woman would be seen dead in last months clothes.

b1) Institute legislation forbidding any two women from wearing the same style of clothes within a 50 mile radius.

c) Change the side of the road that people drive on in a country forcing people to buy new cars with the steering wheel on the other side and necessitating workmen to replace road signs.

d) Change the power ratings for all electrical applicances forcing consumers to buy new electronic goods with the correct ratings.

e) Change the national language forcing new books to be printed in the new language, new web-sites to be created etc.

This package should stimulate the economy and encourage consumerism at an increased rate.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Age-old philosophical puzzle solved!

Whilst trawling through innumerable philosophical-science papers I found a paper detailing an
ingenious and logically valid solution to an age-old philosophical problem that I strongly believe should be a good candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize:

Problem: Which came first the chicken or the egg?

The solution relies on recognising that a few years ago, during prehistoric times, ancient-man had an incredibly strong affinity to eggs. They collected eggs of all shapes and sizes. They ate then, used the shells as a form of currency.

Slowly, they realised something was missing. Eggs were ok, but around the middle of the day they wanted something more substantial. So, they invented the chicken. This gave them many more culinary combinations. They could have chicken roast, fried, flayed, egg-stuffed chicken, chicken wrapped in omelette.

The combinations were endless and it took more than 1000 years before they exhausted the combinations and invented the sheep and cow.

The logic of the paper is faultless and clear. I have recommended the paper for publication and would wholeheartedly recommend the paper for the Nobel Prize for Economics.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Finance 101

Do you understand finance?
Do you understand exotic options, hedging and futures?

Me neither. Technically, we call such newbies that don't have an inkling of such matters and have a naive, irresponsible attitude to money, Bankers or Traders or Financial analysts.

Anyway, it's come to my attention that there's a serious lack of understanding of basic finance terminology So, we explain it here (again):

Basic financial planning and investment and trading is EXACTLY like growing mushrooms.There is no analogy. Of course, you're not using mushrooms, that's plain silly, instead you're using coinage of the realm.

Now, for options investment you need to pick 5 locations. Shady ones are good under an Ash or Oak tree cluster and plant brown chestnut mushrooms and all your money in late autumn, just after the third rainfall that's light-to-medium-heavy. They're the best and the ones nearest to oak trees are superb. After about 3 months you should get a nice yield. Due to the monetary-philic processes that are unique to the mushroom species.

For exotic options simply replace the type of mushroom with shitake mushrooms and plant under willow or hazel trees.

Hedging is a lot simpler. Being the most basic and fundamental form of finance there is you need an abundant form of mushroom. Toadstools although technically poisonous are the best mechanism for hedge funds. Take the red spotty ones and plant them along with all your money in roughly 20,000 locations under lime trees. Within roughly 6 months you should have a huge number of red spotty toadstools and a whole load of dead flora and fawna.

For those of a literary nature the exact relationship between the killing you will make and the initial investment is given by:

killing = sqrt(w*d**(1/3))*exp(mp/my)*atan(nf/tf)

w = weight of earth above the mushrooms.
d = distance of mushrooms from base of tree.
mp = number of planted mushrooms.
my = number of yielded mushrooms.
nf = number of flies above the mushrooms.
tf  = total number of flies of that type in existence.