Monday, March 02, 2009

Finance 101

Do you understand finance?
Do you understand exotic options, hedging and futures?

Me neither. Technically, we call such newbies that don't have an inkling of such matters and have a naive, irresponsible attitude to money, Bankers or Traders or Financial analysts.

Anyway, it's come to my attention that there's a serious lack of understanding of basic finance terminology So, we explain it here (again):

Basic financial planning and investment and trading is EXACTLY like growing mushrooms.There is no analogy. Of course, you're not using mushrooms, that's plain silly, instead you're using coinage of the realm.

Now, for options investment you need to pick 5 locations. Shady ones are good under an Ash or Oak tree cluster and plant brown chestnut mushrooms and all your money in late autumn, just after the third rainfall that's light-to-medium-heavy. They're the best and the ones nearest to oak trees are superb. After about 3 months you should get a nice yield. Due to the monetary-philic processes that are unique to the mushroom species.

For exotic options simply replace the type of mushroom with shitake mushrooms and plant under willow or hazel trees.

Hedging is a lot simpler. Being the most basic and fundamental form of finance there is you need an abundant form of mushroom. Toadstools although technically poisonous are the best mechanism for hedge funds. Take the red spotty ones and plant them along with all your money in roughly 20,000 locations under lime trees. Within roughly 6 months you should have a huge number of red spotty toadstools and a whole load of dead flora and fawna.

For those of a literary nature the exact relationship between the killing you will make and the initial investment is given by:

killing = sqrt(w*d**(1/3))*exp(mp/my)*atan(nf/tf)

w = weight of earth above the mushrooms.
d = distance of mushrooms from base of tree.
mp = number of planted mushrooms.
my = number of yielded mushrooms.
nf = number of flies above the mushrooms.
tf  = total number of flies of that type in existence.

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