Monday, February 08, 2010

Predictions for 2010

Many people these days are looking at the future. It's very possible that it's because the present is not too good (or the past wasn't too good). Or, it could be because the present is fantastic and it's dangerous to have too much of a good thing.

Anyway, regardless lots of people are looking at the future. There are many approaches that help predict the future. The most common one, and indeed the most successful one, has been developed by the financial industry. Its predictive power is truly awesome, without fault and totally accurate. It's a little wonder that the financial institutions have been and continue to be fantastically successful.

The approach requires placing a small stone (technically a pebble) of reddish-grey colour and smooth (sort of almond shape) in a glass of still mineral water and then waiting. By the osmotic process future events are transferred from the pebble and amplified by the water into your brain (if you put the pebble in the water otherwise the future events will go into some other persons brain and may cause an accident if they are not expecting them).

The predictive power is so accurate that we have decided to use it here to determine the future events for the coming year so we can all plan for the big events. Here's the top ten future events:

1) Government imposes tax on ants provoking a prolonged war with the social insects.

A bill is passed unanimously through Parliament supported by all sides and the roof to impose a tax on ants after a right-thinking think-tank determines the revenue would offset the cost of the increased size of the tax collection department (approx number of employees 80million). Ants rebel and provoke war by tripping up the Royal family and the entire government. Ant leader claims no citizen will be able to walk down the street without cutting their knees. Government in crisis.

2) First sheep satellite launched.

After the discovery of the sheep's incredible aptitude for storing information and efficiently relaying it back the global telecommunications industry launches the first sheep into orbit. The added bonus being the sheep eating the atmospheric CO2. Tests indicate the sheep capable of increasing bandwidth by 800% heralding the mobile networks to display non-stop, continuous reality shows.

3) Discovery of connection between Cows and earthquakes.

After much research the connection between cows and earthquakes is firmly established. Careful placement of cows completely neutralises earthquakes. Spurs a completely new industry of Cow Feng-shui experts paid large sums of cash to determine the optimal placement of cows.

4) Herrings accurately identify successful Governments.

Intense study determines that shoals of herrings accurately determine successful government when placed within approximately 1meter of the candidate government. Necessitating the immersion of Parliament in the North Sea to determine the successful government.

5) Shellfish replace passports

Exploiting the fact that shellfish are able to store the entire biometric information of a person they have spent the evening in a bar with the Homeland security agencies abolish passports in favour of shellfish. The added calming benefit of having a shellfish on your person reduces security incidents at airports.

6) Worms replace coinage

The discovery that the number of worms in a country is in one-to-one correspondence with the number of banknotes in the country spurring the replacement of the easy-to-counterfeit banknote with the impossible to replicate worm. Exchange rates are catered for by worms dying or reproducing when traveling abroad.

7) Slugs replace credit cards

The discovery that a slugs slime-trail is (a) unique, (b) lasts forever causes banks to replace unreliable plastic credit cards with slugs. The added benefit being that a financial transaction takes approximately 15days to complete (the time a slug takes to produce a standard 1m trail) factors in a 'cooling off' period reducing the number of impulse buys.

8) Snails ensure secure internet financial transactions

The holy grail of a secure, foolproof method of internet transactions is finally found in the humble snail. The discovery that the snail can upload complex pieces of information securely in its shell and download them to a designated recipient ensures tamper-proof transport of sensitive information (e.g. money, personal information). Even the eating of the snail will not force it to give up the vital information it contains.

9) Cauliflower replaces high-definition television

Researchers successfully transmit the popular reality television show 'dancing on a balloon' to a Caulifower allowing an entire household to enjoy the high-definition-3D-surround-sound experience from their Cauliflower.

10) Flies replace the smartphone and cellphone

Researchers successfully train a herd of bluebottles to store conversations and other information and relay them to the intended recipient. Sparks the mobile providers to collect up all the blue bottles in existence and sell them at a premium to customers. Downside being the flies can only hold approximately 1 hour of inane mobile-phone conversation before committing suicide by flying at high-speed into a glass window.

Researchers determine in December 2010 that wasps are much more effective communication carriers with the added benefit of stinging the cell phone owner if the conversation is found to be pointless.

No comments: